Relationships and health

Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating

on what is missing in the other person.     

Wayne Dyer

 

 

Countless books have been written on relationships; many theories abound.

 

Here I want to confine myself to a piece of light on relationships that are difficult, at times dysfunctional.

 

We don’t always know why difficult people show up in our lives.

 

People heavily into the Law of Attraction would have it that everyone in our lives is there because at some level our conscious and subconscious thinking has attracted them to us.

 

Jungian therapists, along with LoA and most contemporary spiritual teachers, tell us that ALL the people in our lives are reflecting back to us what is inside us … if we fear commitment we will attract people who also fear commitment, and that once we clear our minds and clarify our hearts; we’ll stop attracting to us those angry amigos, bullying bosses, curdling co-workers, gruesome girlfriends, and prickly partners.

 

Then there is the similar theory that life is an earth school and that difficult people are our teachers. (So, if someone says you are their perfect teacher, don’t rush to take it as a complement. Find out, instead, what aspect of you s/he finds abrasive or off-putting.)

 

One thing is certain in life; at some poin, most of us will have someone around us who tests us to the limit and is hard to take.  Sometimes, especially if we re going through a real rough patch, it may seem as if the world is against us. When I was coping with death in the family and mounting personal and multiple illnesses, I certainly found it so. Difficult though it was, my default position was always to ask myself what my part in the dynamic was.

 

One of the most beneficial questions for anyone who wants to live an effective, healthy, growing and authentic life without rushing out into the desert or into a cave for 40 days and nights to find yourself is to reflect always on how you deal with difficult people without being harsh, weak, critical, judgemental, or denying them your heart, and not necessarily in a romantic sense?

 

People are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you suss out which, you will know best how to deal with them.

 

How can you sensitively offer someone feedback in a way that they will hear you?

 

How do you explain to a friend who keeps trying to manipulate you into their own dramas, of mistrust and betrayal -- and still remain friends? Does there come a time when the healthier thing is to part? Not always easy with a close blood relative, especially if you are a sensitive person or empath.

 

How do you handle the boss whose tantrums terrorise the whole office, or the co-worker who bursts into tears several times a week and accuses you of being abrupt when all you’re trying to do is get down to business or even help them? I have had both scenarios – in the same one-roomed office, at the same time. A co-worker constantly manipulating others with her tears. And a boss who would arrive each morning in a foul mood and throw her handbag across the room, narrowly missing my face, then shout me into her office to nag and seek nurture.

 

At the time I was initially faced with the very serious point - what can you do when the same sorts of difficult people and situations keep showing up again and again in your life and you are becoming drained and want to be kind but unsure what to do? 

 

Do you keep your head down, say nothing? Do you tell yourself it’s karma and you must have done something to deserve it? Would you prefer to resolve it through discussion or even pre-emptive action, if only you had the courage? Or can you go down the challenging route that people in your life who seem harsh, needed, or annoying are actually reflections of your own disowned, or shadow tendencies ie your own traits of harshnessness, neediness, or ways of being annoying?

 

In other words, is it really true that we project onto other people the qualities in ourselves that we dislike or disallow, and then condemn in someone else the traits we reject in ourselves? Does dealing with difficult people have to begin with accepting that this is maybe all about you in the first instance, finding out what you might need to work on in yourself?

 

Now I am not suggesting you ignore practicalities and overlook other people’s anti-social behaviour. If your health is suffering, mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual and especially if you are in danger, you need to remove yourself as soon as possible and, once safe, deal with your part in the dynamic. Owning your own part in a difficult relationship is not the same thing as not facing a confrontation!

 

Just remember, you can’t control other people’s personality and behaviour. Your real power lies in your ability to work on yourself.

 

Your own inner world, your thinking, beliefs, emotions etc are your only platform for growing and developing and dealing successfully with other people. Not even the best piece of advice I could offer you will work if you use it from a fearful, judgmental, vengeful, victim, or angry state of mind. If people see you as weak, they will deal with you as weak and you will get annoyed with them. But it is your weakness that is the issue and the only thing over which you have any power.

 

We don’t have to be students of quantum field theory or Buddhist metaphysics to sense how much the energies around us affect our moods and feelings.  After all, what makes someone difficult?   Essentially, it’s the expression of their energy. What makes someone tough for you to take? Basically, it has to do with how your energies interact with theirs.

 

Every one of us is at our core an energetic bundle. What we call our personality is actually made up of many layers of energy -- soft, tender, vulnerable energies as well as powerful, controlling or prickly energies. We all have mostly the same traits within us, it’s just that our genes, upbringing, environment influence us to express them in different ways and to different degrees.

 

We each have our rough and raw energies, our kin and compassionate energies, our free radical energies and our more refined, confined, constricted, contracted ones. Some we never reveal, some we reveal in different settings.

 

Energies express themselves through our bodies, thoughts, and emotions, and minds, and manifest as our specific personality traits in any given moment. And our personality in any given moment as our response to what is happening in that moment depending on how we are feeling and what is going on within us.

 

What we experience outwardly in a person, are their words, their body language and facial expressions, the sum of the energies operating in them in that moment It is not the sum total of who they are. And  as we speak, its the energy, the tone, behind our words that most deeply impacts others.

 

The beginning of change, then, is learning how to recognize and modulate our own energy patterns. When we soften, they soften, when we up the anti, so will they.

 

The more awareness we have -- that is, the more we are able to stand aside and witness our personal energies of thought and feeling and (rather than identifying with them) "the easier it is to work with our own energies. This takes practice. Most people don’t start out with a highly developed awareness of their own energy or the way it impacts others -- and even fewer of us know how to change the way our energies work together.

 

The more dysfunctional or low energy our relationships are, the more our health will suffer. Our energy will be drained, leaving our body little fuel on which to run.

Courtesy of
Lee Harris Energy

In this highly informative video, a prequel to his course on Empaths vs Narcisists, with eloquence and honesty Lee Harris introduces the topic of recovering emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychically and physically from narcissists in your life whether they be parents, friends, bosses or intimate partners.  

 

His course defines Empaths and Narcissists and explains why they are attracted to each other. He tracks the development of the relationship and the way the dynamic unfolds right up to the moment of realisation and shock that all is not as it seems. It looks deeply at the size and scope of damage you can possibly face. This course then carefully, lovingly and with precision gives you all the insights, advice and tools you need to make both a full recovery and to protect yourself from this dynamic in the future. It is a must for anyone determined to recover from this relational experience. 

 Lee Harris is an empath, energy intuitive and channeler who has worked professionally since 2004 sharing his channelings, messages and observations with our fast changing world.

His work is not attached to any religion or ideology – instead it is grounded in the most fundamental truth – you are love and you have within you the power to transform and elevate your life and the lives of others.

His monthly energy forecasts, broadcast on YouTube, have received over a million views.

 

 

Definitions

 

Narcissist – From Psychology Today    "Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who has “buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self.” This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, “above others,” self-absorbed, and highly conceited. In our highly individualistic and externally driven society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often encouraged.

 

Narcissism is often interpreted in popular culture as a person who’s in love with him or herself. It is more accurate to characterize the pathological narcissist as someone who’s in love with an idealized self-image, which they project in order to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, disenfranchised, wounded self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they painfully don’t want to admit it. "

 

Empath -   Empaths are people who are highly sensitive to the energy and the emotions of the people, animals, and sometimes even the spiritual imprints that exist around them. Some are even sensitive to the energy of plants. This extreme sensitivity applies to the familiar as well as the unfamiliar; people we are intimately close with and total strangers. Empaths  feel what other people are feeling through their extraordinarily heightened senses and keen intuitions.

Links

 

What is an empath?   

30 traits of an empath  

10 traits empaths share   

10 signs you are in relationship with a narcissist

 

 

 

© 2017,2018,2019  by Andrew Hunter

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